The Lack of Sexual Self Control
Now David’s son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar. And Amnon, her half brother, fell desperately in love with her. Amnon became so obsessed with Tamar that he became ill.
– 2 Samuel 13:1-2
Many of us men have become so obsessed with the “freedom” of being promiscuous, that we willingly allow our evil desires to birth desperate actions in order to acquire “the love” of a woman we cannot have. As a result, like Amnon, we eventually become mentally and spiritually ill. And as you’ll read, when our deceptive charm fails to get what we desire, we use demonstrative force and turn our sisters into victims.
Since Amnon was stronger than Tamar, he raped her. Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her… He shouted for his servant and demanded, “Throw this woman out, and locking the door behind her!” – 2 Samuel 13:15-16
Sounds familiar? Well unfortunately it is. In 1995, the number one killer of African-American females, ages 15 to 34, was homicide at the hands of an intimate partner or ex-partner.* African-American women comprise 8% of the U.S. population, but account for 20% of the intimate partner homicide victims.* Every 2 minutes, a woman in the U.S. is sexually assaulted, and 1 in 4 women will experience sexual assault or rape during her time at college. The survivors of sexual assault are 3 times more likely to suffer from depression, 6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, 26 times more likely to abuse drugs, and 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide. When we couple the previously mentioned with the fact that in 2002, 72% of black children were raised in a single parent household*, we should all agree that the lack of sexual self control needs to be seriously addressed if our families and communities are to thrive! Lastly I’d like to point out that after Amnon raped Tamar, it is written that his love for her “suddenly turned to hate.” This confirms that Amnon never loved Tamar, but instead deeply desired her as an object for sex. This is called sexual objectification. We also see the spirit of misogyny in Amnon when he refers to Tamar as “this woman” when he had his servant throw her out. Amnon’s last action of “locking the door” behind Tamar is still happening today in the black community. Males are allowed to dismiss their evil actions and walk away from accountability (sexual assault) and responsibility (fathering a child). We especially see this evil thrive in sports entertainment.
Tamar was wearing a long, beautiful robe, as was the custom in those days for the king’s virgin daughters. But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying. – 2 Samuel 13:15-17
Tamar tearing her clothes represented mourning and loss. The ashes on Tamar’s head was an outward sign of internal sorrow and distress. Lastly, Tamar laying her face in her hands and crying, represented shame. Sound familiar? As a whole, we, the “leaders of the village”, have subconsciously thrown our sisters out and locked the door behind them, and our children. Because we won’t open the door, single mothers will continue to experience the loss of a son from gang violence. Because we won’t open the door, single mothers will have to endure the sorrow of seeing children long for their absent father. Because we won’t open the door, our single sisters will continue to walk away in shame crying from being shamed by us.
It’s unequivocally hypocritical to practice a promiscuous lifestyle and be “pro black”. My brothers, mentors and leaders; how can we build what we desperately need (a strong black community), when we as a whole are not actively confronting the lack of sexual self control in our boys and men? It truly baffles me that promiscuity is a topic rarely discussed at a youth/men’s retreat or conference. If we continue to ignore this evil behavior, and not openly expose the elephant in the room, our children will never see the black man as a protector, but a Lothario, in and out of their mother’s legs and life. My brothers, our unified presence is long overdue. However, before we can “open the door” that leads to the restoration of our homes and communities, we must first humble ourselves, repent for the evil we that have done and allowed, and pray for forgiveness. Then when we open the door, we must turn from the evil ways that caused us to shut the door on our sisters in the first place. Then, through the healing of the LORD, our communities will be restored (2 Chronicles 7:14).
The Cave of Adullam Transformational Training Academy
* Bureau of Health Statistics, 1995; Sullivan and Rumptz, 1995
* The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development
* U.S Department of Justice: Bureau of Justice Statistics.